Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
