i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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