Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
pop tarts are not kleenex
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize