she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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