Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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