I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Randomize
