Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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