Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
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Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
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This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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