paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
