Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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