I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
