I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
