Will you blow on my dice?
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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