The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
