She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
