I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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