I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
