He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
