im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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