My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
