me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Randomize
