I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
So much Jack, so little girl.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
