If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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