In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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