i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
