ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
