honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Randomize
