My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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