I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
