Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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