I never want to see another naked old woman again.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
