My Higher Power is John Stamos
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
