sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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