I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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