Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
