He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
