The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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