Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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