yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
