Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
