You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
