A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
accomplished twins. life is a go
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
