just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Everyone says I win the strip club
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
