Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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