And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
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Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
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Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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