I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Holy shit dude........stairs
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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