yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
