and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
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No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
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I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home