I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.