my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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