all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
You brought string cheese to the strip club
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize