Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
