If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
