legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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