guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
