She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
