im gay
i know
yea but for you.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
